


I Was Stuck In Another Country And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

by paranormalnerd



Category: Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst Until I Die, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Gwen Stacy, Everybody Gets Some Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt Peter, M/M, Peter Parker cant catch a break, Russia, Someone Help My Son, The Avengers Are Good Bros, You Get Angst, and confused, aunt may is concerned, everybodys concerned, he gets better tho, sorta - Freeform, yes the country
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranormalnerd/pseuds/paranormalnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling asleep while fixing up a stab wound is a bad idea. Especially if you're Peter Parker. Even more so if you're on a cargo ship leaving for Russia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Adventures Of Knifey Guy And Stabby

**Author's Note:**

> I want a shirt that says "I Was Stuck In Another Country And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" don't you?

When the news first got out, nobody was sure what to think; least of all Tony Stark. After all, it was pretty far fetched. More like something one would find in a tabloid at a ladies hair salon, rather than blown up on the Times Square Jumbo Screen.

 

But there it was, a screencap of a Daily Bugle newspaper with a blurry cell phone quality photo as the main picture. The photo in question featured a blurry red and blue image swinging from a burning building.

 

That part of the article wasn’t what surprised Tony, he was used to photos of the web-head displayed on the front page, no, what bothered Tony was the title.

 

**“SPIDER-MENACE SPOTTED! HE LEFT US FOR RUSSIA!”**

 

“Jarvis? Assemble the Avengers.”

 

_ 12½ Days Earlier _

 

Peter absolutely loved this.

 

Swinging across New York was his favourite part of the day, the wind blowing around him as he tossed and flipped through the sky was a wonderful experience. He totally recommends it. 10/10 would swing again. Especially if it helps you destress after a particularly frustrating day at school. Peter was still mad about the C he had received on his history test, it wasn’t  _ his  _ fault he didn’t have time to study, he was up all night hunting down some kind of new gang dealing out this highly addictive brand of drug to kids.

 

Peter's Spider Sense thrummed against the back of his head as he passed a particularly shady looking alleyway. Right as he landed on one of the apartment buildings overlooking the alley, a scream erupted from the shadows below him. Dropping his backpack on the roof, he hopped over the ledge and started crawling down.

 

Two guys were what looked liked trying to rob a middle aged lady.

 

Three, two, one-

 

“Hiya fellas!”

 

“ _ Spider-Man!” _

 

The woman smiled as she backed away from the two snarling men.

 

Spidey walked up to both of them, bouncing on his heels.

 

“So, are we gonna just say were sorry to this nice lady here, than come along with me to the police station, or do I hafta web you suckers up for someone to find?”

 

One of the men, ran at him with a knife in response.

 

“Tsk tsk tsk,” Pete waved a finger as he side stepped out of the way of the crashing man. “You guys never learn.”

 

Knifey Guy righted himself and shot a glare at the vigilante.

 

Spider-Man stretched his arms, shooting webbing at both men, sticking them together. Placing a well deserved kick square in the middle of the lassoed criminals, sending them into the leftmost wall of the alley.

 

They appeared to be unconscious.

 

Shaking his head, Peter looked around for the woman from earlier. She didn't appear to be in the alley, so, hoping she went to the police, he started towards one of the walls of the apartment building Peter planted his backpack on.

 

Not even a foot on the wall and Peters Spider Sense started ringing in his head.

 

But he took out the bad guys? Right?

 

He barely flipped off the wall when something plunged into his side.

 

One of the men, not Knifey Guy, the other one, managed to escape the net and attack Peter.

 

Without blinking, Spidey sent a left hook to throw Stabby into next week.

 

‘Stabby’ toppled onto the concrete floor, finally out for good.

 

Cringing at the impulsive move, Peter turned to see what decided to make blood drip down his right leg.

 

Oh crud. Crudcrudcrudcrudcrud.

 

There, casually sticking out of Peters lower torso was a broken beer bottle.

 

Peter groaned, more out of annoyance than pain, and pulled the bottle out of his side, carefully climbed up the wall. As he neared the top, flashes of red and blue moved toward the alleyway he just escaped, sirens sounding as well.

 

Ughhhhhhh. He  _ really  _ didn't want to deal with the NYPD shooting at him just yet.

 

Sitting cross legged on the roof, Peter lazily wrapped some ace bandages around his gash.

 

Okay what was his best bet for shelter?

 

His house was a good idea, but out of the question. Aunt May would totally be able to tell he was hurt, especially if he was bleeding, plus it was a good fifteen minute swing from here.

 

Think Parker,  _ think. _

 

The Docks! He could totally make it to the docks in five minutes or so, plus it would offer plenty of hiding places for Peter to stitch himself up. What time was it? 6:45? He could totally be home before dark. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe?

 

It was worth a shot. Or stab. Heh heh.

  
With that, Peter added another layer of bandaging around his middle, and took off towards the New York Docks.

 


	2. Remember Kids; Don't Fall Asleep While Doing Medical Procedures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this chapter the author finds out how to add line breaks and proceeds to abuse this power

Peter swung into the docks just as the horizon began to shift into a light shade of pink. Landing on one particularly empty looking cargo ship, he nudged himself between two storage units and pulled his first aid kit from his backpack. Most ship departures from the Port of New York don't leave until at least around lunch time so he'd probably be okay to patch himself up for now. 

 

Opening the kit, Peter pulled out his tweezers, and proceeded to unwrap the lazily applied ace bandages on his lower abdomen. The wound appeared to be slightly worse than he expected, but nothing Peter couldn't deal with. The wound itself had a diameter of about 3 inches, but was dangerously close to needing staples. Then there was the  _ glass _ . Glass shards, littered all along the rim of the gash, with some stray marks in between. The flesh itself was almost peeling off, kind of like if somebody took a cheese grater to Peter's side, not to mention the yellow bruising around the wound, as well as the fun amount of blood running down his stomach. Oh, and  _ thank god _ there wasn't any blood squirting from his side, no major arteries were damaged in the making of this stab wound.

 

Well this was gonna be interesting.

 

Peter grabbed his Totally Sanitary Medical Cloth™, and began to set to work on removing the glass, focusing more on the smaller pieces then the bigger ones. After all, if he didn't get all the little ones out before the wound closed, Peter was gonna be in for a  _ wonderful  _ experience.

 

If Peter could manage to not heal over glass that would really make his day. Ughh and he's gonna have to put in sutures too. Well,  _ technically _ he should use stitches but it was honestly too big of a hassle to really put all his effort into stitching himself up only to remove them in like, a day or so. Sutures it is. Vicryl was probably his best bet seeing as the bottle missed anything too important and he wasn't sure how long the wound itself was gonna heal. Because of vicryls polyglycolic acid base, it dissolved in about two to three weeks, which was more than enough time for Peter's body to heal itself, but vicryl would be easier to use because of the wounds location, featuring mostly soft tissue and muscle.

 

By now Peter had a small stack of glass on his medical cloth. He'd removed what looked like all the smaller bits of glass, leaving threeish larger chunks of the stuff still lodged in. Peter hissed as he pulled out the remaining pieces and dug out his surgical needle and vicryl suture thread. 

 

In his medical kit, Peter had gut and vicryl sutures seeing as those were the ones he used most commonly, as well as regular ol' medical stitches for worst case scenario injuries. Typically, Peter would prefer using gut sutures since they dissolve quicker and were made for fast healing injuries, but he wasn't exactly sure how bad his muscle damage was, which, if the sutures dissolve too fast, could cause him quite a bit of pain.

* * *

 

Peter had just finished closing the wound when he fell asleep.

* * *

 

Did Eli particularly  _ enjoy  _ his job? Not really if he was being honest with himself. But did he want to be checking to ensure the cargo was secure for the  _ seventh time  _ since they loaded it up yesterday morning? No. And did he want to go through the checklist for the  _ fifteenth _ time since they left the port? Definitely not. He'd made sure everything was accounted for and ship-shape! (Pun totally intended he's hilarious.) But  _ noooo, _

Мотя didn't think he had checked everything properly, and he needed to do it all  _ again. _

 

Bleh. Stupid cargo shipments. Stupid port. Stupid Мотя. Stupid ship. Stupid red and blue spandex. Stupid- wait.

 

Well now that's not good.

* * *

 

"You идиот! I thought I told you to check everything?! How did  _ he  _ get in here??"

 

Peter woke to the sound of arguing, which was strange 'cause Aunt May never yelled and he didn't remember falling asleep in class a-  _ fudge _ . He never went home did he? Which meant he was still on the boat... A+ Peter Parker, great job at being a superhero.  What, you can't handle a little blood loss?

 

"Мотя calm down! He was  _ lying in a puddle of blood!  _ What was I supposed to do?! Let him die?!"

 

Okay maybe a bit more than a  _ little _ blood loss.

 

"That wound isn't  _ nearly  _ bad enough for him to bleed to death! Господи, помилуй if this ever happen again Eli. I swear to the pits of hell I'll-"

 

Was that Russian?

 

"Shh! He's awake."

 

Uh-oh. Time to play ' _ You're Lucky I Don't Call The Cops On Your Ass'. _

 

"And thank god for  _ that.  _ You're lucky I didn't call the cops on your ass."

 

Wow was he good or what? 

 

"Language Мотя! Sorry about that Spider-Man. She's just a rude hostess. My name is Eli. Eli Jason Bernard. That sourpuss over there is my cousin Мотя or Motya, if it's easier to pronounce. I found you earlier on the upper deck of our cargo ship lying in your own blood, so I brought you down here to the study.”

 

Eli gestured at the bleak room and an older woman who rolled her eyes and stuck out her hand.

 

“I'm Motya Slava Polzin.”

 

Eli had short dark blonde hair, pale skin and bright amber eyes. Peter could just barely see the dash of freckles on the bridge of his nose. Honestly he looked about five foot even, and was thin as twig to match it. Eli was wearing beige coveralls that hung baggily off his frame, with the top collar unbuttoned, revealing a white shirt underneath.

 

Motya however, was almost the exact opposite. She had dark brown hair, messily tied in a bun, and dark brown skin. Motya could easily be six foot seven, and had a muscular build to rival Thor himself. Her navy blue cargo coat and matching navy cargo pants seemed to fit her perfectly, with the coats sleeves rolled up to her elbows. The collar was buttoned all the way up, and a small emblem that said ‘полководец’ on one of the top coat pockets.

 

The only thing the two had in common were their identical freckles and eyes.

 

Peter awkwardly accepted Motya’s hand. She smelt like salt and maple syrup.

 

“Spider-Man.” Peter introduced his alter-ego.

 

“Yes, I know who you are.” Motya laughed.

 

“The colorful spandex is kinda hard to miss.” Eli pointed out.

 

“Haha, yeah. Well sorry for- uh, intruding on your ship but if you don't mind I'll be on my way now.” Peter stumbled on his words, forcing out the hasty apology.

 

Motya and Eli both exchanged looks. Eli was the first to speak up.

 

“Um, that might be a little difficult. You see, we're, uh-”

 

“We're on our way to Russia.” Motya finished.

 

It was official. Peter was  _ screwed. _ Aunt May was gonna kill him.  _ Gwen  _ was gonna destroy him.

 

“Uh, what? I thought that the New York Port didn't ship out until around lunch time?”

 

“Not with our shipments. This boat leaves at precisely five o'clock am every third month, and ships to Russia within twelve days.” Eli explained.

 

“ _ Twelve days?!  _ Is there anyway to turn the boat around and get me back to New York??”

 

“Yes of course, but it’s not happening.”

 

“Мотя!!” Eli sent a glare at the taller woman.

 

“Eli, we don’t have enough fuel to turn around! I’m not going to put us at risk because of him.” Motya turned to face Peter. “If you want to get home, you’ll have to wait until we finish delivering our cargo. Until than you’re stuck with us. When we dock I  _ will  _ leave without you if you are not on board. Is that understood?”

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

Oh god what was Aunt May gonna think? He didn't come home and now he's on his way to another  _ country _ . He’ll miss school! And breakfast! And now she's going to freak out because her nephew is missing and he's all she has left and oh my god he is so screwed where's his phone he needs to call Gwen-

 

“Your backpack is on that chair, I put your first aid kit inside.” Eli gestured to the fold up chair beside the couch Peter was sitting on.

 

Grabbing his phone Peter checked how much battery was left.

 

43%? Well it’s something.

 

Peter scrolled through the contacts to find Gwen’s number.

 

“Hey um, do you guys mind giving me a minute?”

 

Moyta shrugged her shoulders. “Fine by me. I have a boat to run.”

 

Eli followed behind his cousin, he put a foot out the door before he turned around to look at Peter.

 

“Seeing as we’re gonna be spending a lot of time together, maybe you could… tell me your secret identity??”

 

“Oh my  _ god. _ ”

 

“Sorry, worth a shot.” Eli smiled jokingly as he closed the door to the study.

 

Peter clicked his girlfriend's number.

 

_ Dialing, dialing, dialing,  _ **_click._ **

 

_ “Peter Parker what the hell??? It’s the middle of first period, and you’re nowhere to be found! You didn’t answer my texts, or calls, I was so scared. I swear to god if you called me to say you’re bleeding in an alley somewhere I will personally make sure you never go web-slinging again.” _

 

Peter cringed, yeah okay Gwen Stacy was very pissed at him.

 

“Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gweeeeeeeeeeeeen, Gwendoline, Gwen-”

 

_ “Parker…. ” _

 

“Hah so uh, funny story, I may or may not currently be onaboatheadedforanothercountry??”

 

_ “Peter!!!! What- How- oh my god. What country? Did someone kidnap you? Are you okay? Have you eaten anything? Is anyone there with you? Should I call Aunt May? Are  _ **_you_ ** _ going to call Aunt May? How are you getting home? Can’t they turn the boat around? How did you end up in this situation? Peter are-” _

 

“Calm down Miss. Twenty Questions! And Russia, no, I think so, no, yes, no, I don’t know, I don’t know, not enough fuel, and it’s a long story.”

 

_ “Peter I think I can afford hearing this ‘long story’.” _

 

Peter could practically  _ hear _ her roll her eyes.

 

“Well I got stab-”

 

“ _ You were  _ **_stabbed_ ** _??” _

 

“Uh, kinda? Anyways I had to hide because the police were coming and you know how well I get along with them, so I snuck onto this cargo ship so I could stitch myself up but then I guess I passed out from bloodloss or something even though it only looked like a pint or two, but then this kid named Eli found me and here I am.”

 

“ _ You do realize that two pints of blood is enough to make someone pass out right? Besides your sleeping schedule is so messed up your body probably saw this as an opportunity to get a few extra hours in. I wouldn’t be surprised if you passed out from sleep deprivation instead of blood loss.” _

 

Peter cracked a lopsided grin.

 

“I take offense to that. I’ll have you know I got a full three hours on Tuesday.”

 

_ “Peter it’s Friday.” _

 

“Exactly.”

 

_ “Oh my god, you’re ridiculous. Now how are you getting home?” _

 

“Well the owner of the cargo ship said I could ride with them, but it’ll be at least twenty-four days ‘till I see you guys.”

 

_ “Twenty-four days?? That’s ridiculous. You should call your aunt Peter. But doesn't that mean you'll have to tell her about-” _

 

“I know. I know. I’ll talk to you after I call her I guess.”

 

_ “You better. Bye Bug-Boy.” _

 

“Bye Gwen.”

* * *

 

_ “Peter?” _

  
“Hey Aunt May! I, um, wanted to tell you something important.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit aunt may's in for a surprise
> 
> translations:   
> идиот, idiot  
> Господи, помилуй, Lord have mercy  
> полководец, captain
> 
> forgive me, for I used Google Translate. Please correct me if I got any of these wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Next time on: Bad Nicknames With Peter Parker, we get to meet 'Grumpy Lady Who Smells Like Maple Syrup' and 'No You Don't Get To Know My Secret Identity'.


End file.
